When Archie was diagnosed with cancer, I recognized immediately, that my entire life to that point had been a preparation for the events that were about to unfold. What I did not know, however, was what I would do with the rest of my life following his death.
I did not know that I would become incapable of continuing on in my job. That I would experience a complete emptying out of all the strength and energy I, here to fore, had been able to generate to maintain the status quo at work, the barns and in our home. It was as if my life with Archie had been the source of the creative energy, strength and stamina it took to sustain the career I had created and suddenly had no more. Losing Archie rocked my world to its core. Everything we had built together, everything I thought myself to be, the programs I had taken such pride in creating – all gone in the blink of an eye.
I am slowly waking up from the shock and have discovered that I have been literally catapulted into a new life entirely. I live in “heaven” now. The peace and serenity of this new environment overwhelms me sometimes. It’s as if the world has stopped for a moment and given me time to heal and regroup in a place that is dominated by natural beauty and stillness. I am slowly learning how to relax and breathe again. Sometimes I feel a little guilty and self-indulgent accepting this gift, but I am certain that this is a necessary stage of my life because I certainly did not get here on my own.
Next Friday is the two year anniversary of Archie’s death. In a lucid dream last night, I dreamt I was at the Veteran’s Cemetery with a large crowd of people for a formal military honors event. I kept looking for Archie’s Head Stone but could not find it and began to cry inconsolably in the dream. I woke up sad and heavy hearted. And so it goes. I find it encouraging that I am releasing some of the grief in my dreams. As I sit gazing out at the sunlit pond, mist rising in fragile wisps, water bugs darting on the surface sparkling with reflected light in the early hour, I realize how blessed I am and how much God has always loved and protected me. I am sure He will carry me the rest of the way as well and I am excited to discover what this next chapter will be about.