A friend recently reminded me that all self-defeating behaviors are of the ego. I have spent years trying to diminish most of those behaviors but there is always “more east to go”. I have seen narcissism in myself throughout my early years but it has gotten much more subtle through the past twenty five years of working a twelve-step program. I thought I saw a shadow of it when I started my blog but I quickly justified my writing by the fact that I just can not not write! I have to write, and since I am not a very good writer, nothing I write has any publishing potential. Well, it has to go somewhere and blogging seemed the natural outlet since many of my friends have told me to do this. But here’s the rub; I love it when people read my blogs! I am discovering that it is the attention my ego craves and that’s just the way it is. I try to post things after I have written them with no expectations but they are in there nonetheless. Now, after a few short weeks, I’m thinking: “How can I get to 5,000 views of my blog?”! What a freak I am! An attention junkie of the worse kind – a blogger who thinks she has something to say worth saying. Such arrogance! My dear, sweat mother has never reached the heights of my ambition in her attention seeking. I wonder if there is a 12-Step program for needy attention seekers.
I feel a little better having dumped that load. I hate to have to admit this aspect of my personality but maybe admitting it is also part of the insidious plot to get more attention – you bet it is. Don’t mistake this for a pity party, or beating myself up for being this way. It’s not. It’s just writing. I have to write what is going on inside of me. I have to share it and I don’t have any idea why. I like what I wrote in the first paragraph. It’s my truth and I like sharing my truth – because it’s all about me! Just because I am this way doesn’t make me less a person, just not perfect – just a little narcissistic. Yup, always have been, but writing and blogging is the most healthy expression of that side of my personality that I have discovered thus far.
I could only share the blogs about the good stuff, but we are not just that; the successes, the cute grand kids, the happy relationships, the overcoming of grave challenges. We are so much more than that. We are also the ego in so many deviant forms. I think it was Goethe who said: “There is not a crime committed by any man that I am not capable of.” Well, there is that side of us too – the dark side. A lot of people have spent years with therapists, guru’s and Berne’ Brown to come to terms with their dark side and learn to dance shamelessly with it, however, mostly they keep that side hidden from all but their closest, most trusted loved ones. (And the only reason they see it is because they were just whapped upside the head with it.) I don’t want to keep it to myself. I want to bring it to the light in all its aspects so that I can face it head on, tell the truth about it and surrender it. (Before I whap someone with it).
I have been so blocked as a writer that I re-wrote the entire 1300 page Course In Miracles word for word. It took me a year and a half. Now there is nothing left to write except what comes out of my head and heart. I hope you find the humor in this Blog because it is there. We are funny, funny animals. The good news is, there are lots of us crazy bloggers out there and it’s really fun to read some of their stuff. Some of them are very good writers and some are inspiring writers. I love discovering them. I don’t care WHY they need to write, I’m just glad they do and happy to have a place, even a small one, in the blogosphere.
God has given me the desire to write. Sometimes the Holy Spirit inspires the message. And now and then I am humbled by the realizations that emerge through the process. Today I received a lesson in humility. Yes, I have an ego, but I am not that. I am a child of God and His Word guides my hand and my life. And when I remember that, it is a good day.