Let’s face it; the last hundred miles are the hardest. Our bodies are reminding us daily that our days are numbered, that we are on the home stretch. We are alone and it’s lonely. We need a pal, a buddy to share our days with. Perhaps we have had this and lost it, or perhaps, we are finally ready to surrender our huge independent egos for some companionship and fun. In either case, there are a plethora of men hanging out on cyber bar stools looking for the same thing. Of course there are also a lot of idiots looking for a quick fix, but you just have to weed through them. There are many dating sites to choose from. Ask friends which ones they have used. (Trust me; more of your friends than you know have sampled the waters!) The sites are pretty much all the same but some are geared more for seniors than others. There are also many common sense “rules” to follow like; always meet in public places; don’t give out your address or phone number until you feel like you know the man well enough to feel safe to do that, etc., etc. However, this blog is not about the rules of the game; rather it’s about finding the right guy.
If you are looking for someone who will rescue you financially, emotionally or physically you are doomed to fail. There is no one out there to rescue us and we don’t need rescuing. What we do need to have in any relationship is wholeness, maturity, and happiness – yours and his. Having said that, however, the clock is ticking, so get crackin! Here’s the thing; you have to CREATE the IDEA of the man you want to spend your life with before he can “show up”. You look at the big picture first. That is the vision you carry forth and commit to. So, the big picture is:
A true partner in every sense of the word for life!
That’s pretty general but it contains everything. What do we do first??? We draw a picture of what this will look like in general and then add detail.
- His view of God will be similar to yours and he will have his own version of a personal relationship with God.
- He will look like the ideal cowboy or some other version of the same characteristics, i.e., he will be honest, respectful, kind, responsible, intelligent, independent but capable of intimacy and connection.
- He will know how to be tender, loving and vulnerable.
- He will be your intellectual equal.
- He will be mature and able to support himself in a manner that is similar to your ability to support yourself, i.e., you will have similar values when it comes to finances.
- He will have had a successful relationship in the past and he will need a strong woman because his wife of 30+ years was a strong woman. (She made him what he is and you will be grateful to her for that.)
- He will want the same things you want and be loved by his family as well as you are loved by yours.
- He will recognize that you share the same values and honor you for this.
- He will have crazy in him and in his family too. It will look different than yours because you come from different places, but he will have reached the same level of acceptance of his imperfections as you have with yours.
- It is a bonus if he is able to “fix” things.
So, the next step is finding this guy. That’s going to take some patience and may get very frustrating but hold to the vision and you will find him. There is only one thing to remember; any guy that does not meet one of those characteristics above is immediately disqualified. That means you will scroll through many faces. Take your time. Check out the too few that might meet this level of maturity and wholeness and take a closer look. Turn it over to God immediately and be willing to accept what comes of each meeting/connection, even when they reject you. Remember we all have different pictures of what we want based on where we are in life. It won’t take you long to recognize him when he finally shows up. But you have got to hold the belief that he is out there and that you deserve this and more. This is living intentionally rather than being reckless, or impatient, or unable to give it to God, or, worst of all, not being clear about the goal! We always get what we want, so make sure you know what you want.
That is the process I went through to find Tom. I don’t know what his process was but this was mine. I didn’t have all those bullets when I started. I just made two columns: One side was for the qualities and attributes I liked about a man and the other column was for the ones I didn’t like. The bullets listed above are the ones that landed in the “like” column most often and the ones that brought me to Tom.
I am finally starting to relax into this union. I didn’t “fall in love” with Tom when we first met. I fell in love with the things I discovered about him as I got to know him. At first, this was like walking a tightrope wire across the Grand Canyon. Is this man really as wonderful as I think he is or am I just “making him up”? I went back and forth teetering on that wire between those two possibilities. But as I continued to discover who Tom was and more of those bullets started lining up on the side of the good qualities, I began to relax and take more risks by showing him more of myself. It was in the relaxed moments that I discovered that there might be a third possibility – maybe God was in charge of all of this creativity and I didn’t have to worry about any of it.
At the sixth month mark, I knew enough about Tom to know that I was going to marry him. When you are in your late 60’s you don’t dilly dally. I am still falling in love with Tom and God is still showing me how to do that. I imagine He will continue to show me how to love until I die. Good luck on your journey. May it be as amazingly fruitful as you can imagine it could be!